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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 5, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PDT

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stan. ♪ - i spoke with the insurance company. they said we can get some of our money back. not all of it but some. you want to come home? get changed, take a shower? - no. - you want to just sit here a little more and be frozen? - yeah. - you want me to bring you some mcdonalds? - okay. - what do you want from mcdonalds? - chicken nuggets. and fries. sweet and sour sauce. and hi-c orange.
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[beeping] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much for tuning in. we have one of our favorite guest joining us tonight. chelsea handler is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) she's right here. but first, we're gonna build a wall! ( laughter ) >> it is deadline today for border wall bids. the trump administration asking companies to hand over design
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contracts for a 2,000-mile-long barrier. >> it must be 18 to 30 feet high and extend at least 6 feet underground to block tunnels. >> the wall has got to be so tough it would take someone an hour to break through it if using a sledgehammer, pick axe or chisel. on top of that, it must be aesthetically pleasing. mr. trump wants a beautiful wall. >> trevor: i understand tall and strong, but beautiful? only donald trump would want a hot wall. who is this guy? this is a tough assignment. think about it, you have to make the wall out of something impossible to get through. so i guess season one of iron fist? yeah? ( applause ) some of the rules make me laugh. it has to go six feet down. that's rule. six feet down. which makes me wonder, are there people who would dig a six-foot hole and then stop?
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like the mexicans you are trying to block are, like, man, we've gone this far, should we maybe dig one more foot and then get under the wall? no, let's call it a day, man! mr. trump outsmarts us on this one! ( laughter ) this is my definitely favorite requirement, the wall has to be aesthetically pleasing from the american side. who cares what it looks like on the other side! on the u.s. side covered in pictures of ivanka. and on the mexico side eric. simple, simple. we're not going there. we're not going there. ( applause ) but let's move on. it's clear at this point that president donald trump has kind of checked out. his daily schedule consists of watching fox news, tweeting, golf, repeat. you know, it's his version of jim tan laundry. also, tanning, he does that, too. which leaves the rest of us wondering, who's actually rung the country? seems like every week someone new has grabbed the wheel.
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that's why here at "the daily show" we're keeping close track of who is currently at this very moment the real president. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: let's look at the current standings, all right? on our very scientific tracking board over here. we paid a lot of money for this. as you can see, donald trump, despite being the official president, he's fallen down to number 7. yes, after spending a few days lost in the rose garden, horrible time for him. while debuting on the list at number five is trump siri. donald trump's phone has siri and he recently asked questions such as, siri, can i fire germany? ( laughter ) siri, where did ben franklin hide his secret gold? but let's see who's at the top of this week's real president rankings. at number three, we've got -- oh, mike pence. look at that.
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yeah, mike pence has never been this high -- ( laughter ) -- except for that time he got a contact whit high while protesta khalifa concert. oh! mike pence's wife! yeah, you see, it's because he wasn't allowed to appear on this list without here. ( laughter ) but the number one spot, and effectively the current real president of the united states is -- become drum roll ). ( drum roll ) jared kushner! yea! jared kushner at 36 is already a senior advisor in the trump white house. until recently he was the head of a powerful new york real estate empire. here are his abs. overachiever. most importantly, jared kushner is donald trump's son-in-law and husband to ivanka trump.
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i bet when they were getting married jared never knew it would lead to this job. >> jared kushner is at the center of another high profile diplomatic mission meeting with the prime minister in baghdad. >> the president son-in-law and senior advisor met with the iraqi prime minister to discuss the fight against i.s.i.s. and get a firsthand look at the situation on the ground. >> trevor: he has to fight i.s.i.s.? i mean, it's crazy, but to be fair, maybe this is opportunity worst idea. if anyone could drive i.s.i.s. crazy it's a new york landlord. that's who. ( laughter ) you're saying if we want to move into iraq we have to pay a broker's fee? forget it! you just open the door! 5%?! 3%?! ahhh! overseeing the fight against i.s.i.s. would be big job for anyone but kushner wouldn't reach that spot in the presidential standing if that were his only responsibility.
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>> he's also tasked with brokering peace from the middle east and president of mar-a-lago. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i like how they slid peace in the middle east in there as an after thought. like trump said hey, plan me a party for me and the chinese president and also create peace in the middle east. he's, like, what? that's insane! i don't even know what your favorite color balloons are, man! defeating i.s.i.s., bringing peace to the middle east, a lot of responsibility, but maybe jared kushner has a shot, if he focuses on nothing else. >> and the president tapping his son-in-law to reform the criminal justice system not to mention he's running the new office of american innovation, where he's responsible for reforming vern care, tackling the opioid epidemic and overseeing the not so small feat of revamping the entire federal government. >> trevor: that's all! that's all! ( cheers and applause )
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wow! trump is giving jared kushner so much to do. and here you were bitching about your father in law asking you to set up the wi-fi. yeah, from now on, you will be, like, i am so glad. ( laughter ) that is so much stuff that there is no way kushner isn't going to get it all mixed up. i predict he's just going to miss the things up. mr. president, i sent the black people to iraq, imprisoned all our veterans and injected the chinese president with opium and, oh, i.s.i.s. is coming to mar-a-lago. it's all mixed up! ( laughter ) to sum it up, the man in charge of pretty much everything is an inexperienced 36-year-old real estate prince whose main qualification is being married to the president's daughter. i don't get it. what does trump see in this guy? >> what is he lacks in experience he more than makes up for in trust and loyalty. >> his expanding role is something that is indicative of, obviously, the deep level of trust that the president puts in
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him. he trusts his son-in-law -- >> trevor: oh, wow, look at that... turns out donald trump has a blind trust after all. oh, nice. ( audience reacts ) so congratulations, jared kushner, but cashing in on donald trump's loyalty rewards program, you as of right now are the real president. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪ he's got the cash. he's got a condo. he's got a car. he's got a career. but that still doesn't mean he get's you. ♪ time to shine. orbit. it's a lightly fruit flavored, under 95 calorie, spiked sparkling water. so now you can make the ultra light choice. henry's hard sparkling. the ultra light choice.
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so you'rhow nice.a party? i'll be right there. and the butchery begins. what am i gonna wear? this party is super fancy. let's go. i'm ready. are you my uber? [ horn honks ] [ tires screech ] hold on. [ upbeat music ] the biggest week in tv is back. [ doorbell rings ] who's that? show me watchathon. xfinity watchathon week! now until april 9. get unlimited access to all of netflix and more, free with xfinity on demand. >> trevor: welcome back to the "the daily show"! you know what? let's take a moment to talk about turkey.
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we spent a lot of time talking about the trump-pocalypse but sometimes it's good to remember america isn't the only one burning to the ground and sometimes it calls you to see other countries are burning as well. i'm on fire! i'm on fire! hey! you're also on fire... you want to drop and roll together is this yeah, yeah. when you think of turkey, you think of bath houses, tiny coffee and men who have clearly not heard of a salt shaker, yeah. but turkey is also the fulcrum of the world, houses key strategic n.a.t.o. bases used in the war on terror. in fact, turkey is so important to global stability that james bond has been there in three separate movies. yeah, you've got to understand, that dude hates going back to anyplace he might run into a an ex. he hates it. we need to stop that uranium truck from reaching -- oh, becky. didn't think i would run into you here. how are things going?
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you peed on the stick, oh, yeah -- oh, gotta go! ( laughter ) so turkey is literally the bridge between the west and the east. anything that happens in turkey affects things in our world and right now things are happening bigly. >> historic referendum for turkey. >> a referendum that could grant president recep tayyip erdogan controversial new powers. >> if erdogan wins, he will have much more power, be able to get rid to have the prime minister and the role of parliament will be much reduced. his opponents fear victory will mean an already authoritarian leader will become a fully fledged dictator. >> trevor: that's right, next sunday turkish people will vote on whether they want their president recep tayyip erdogan to become their dictator which sounds insane because they're basically signing a contract to become totally submissive. almost like that woman in that movie that your mom saw -- twice. yes? erdogan started off as a
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dedicated public servant but in the last few years that started the to change. >> erdogan has become increasingly authoritarian, throwing journalists in jail, restricting the internet, expanding police powers and restructuring the judicial system to favor the ruling party. >> they say i'm a dictator. i've nothing to say if they call the person who's committed himself to serving his nation a dictator. >> more than 30,000 people have been arrested or retained, including generals, judges, prosecutors, mayors, members of parliament, teachers and journalists. >> trevor: so basically everyone has been detained. i don't know anything about running a government but if you arrest the judges and the prosecutors, who's putting the people in jail? that's a weird thing, right? i find me guilty! bailiff, take me away! i'm out of order! i'm out of order! ( laughter ) now, a lot of tie rants are just in it for the power but not
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erdogan. he's also in it for the flash. in turkey's capital, ankara, he built himself a palace with a thousand rooms and, sometimes, he delivers speeches -- and this is completely true -- he delivers speeches as a giant hologram. please enjoy. ( applause ) >> trevor: i pray to god trump doesn't see that. ( laughter ) he'll hologram himself into everywhere. like, he'll hologram himself into every women's lockerroom in the country, hey, ladies, it's me, tupac! ( laughter ) if you haven't realized it by now, erdogan is a leader who is clearly confident in his power, so confident, in fact, that he'll still give a speech even after he's lost his voice. this is a clip of him before and after his voice problem.
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see if you can tell the difference. ( speaking in foreign language clearly ) ( speaking in foreign language in strained voice ) >> trevor: and in his spare time he does the voice for beaker in the muppets. >> mme me mo, me me mo -- >> trevor: he is also complaining about turkey. if this gray is going to be a dictator why doesn't he go in and do the thing? because turkey is a n.a.t.o. ally. that can't happen. and european countries are particularly afraid of erdogan because there are 3 million syrian refugees in turkey and, if messed with, erdogan has threatened to let them into europe, and the west is terrified, which i find particularly amazing. erdogan doesn't even need an army. he just threatens to send in hungry muslims, and europe is like, just give him what he
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wants! give him what he wants! give him all the money he's asking for! why don't we use the money to help the refugees in our -- don't be stupid! give him the money! ( laughter ) this easter, erdogan is hoping the people give him the power he craves. the polls are neck and neck. if you're wondering why would anyone vote for a man like this? well, this may sound like someone familiar. >> this is president erdogan's conservative religious heartland. for decades under turkey's old secular regime, they felt excluded. >> his fiery rhetoric entirely focused on pleasing this side of the country. for them, he is their voice, and he cannot put a foot wrong. >> trevor: it's trump! (whispering ). turkey, i don't understand how you guys are making this decision. i don't know how to convince you not to do this. you shouldn't let this man take
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classic hershey's outside. with a new creamy, crunchy inside. new hershey's cookie layer crunch. classic reimagined. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the host of "chelsea" on netflix. >> some say arranged marriage still happens all over india and some say it doesn't. >> yes, it does. that's my religious upcoming. >> are you looking forward to getting married to somebody you've never met? >> no problem. >> what about remaining single or being alone and 41. is that cool here? >> if it's that person's choice, but, yeah. people judge if you are single. >> what if you have two dogs? >> two dogs? >> what if you're raising two dogs by yourself on one single income. >> that concept is not common
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here. >> trevor: please welcome chelsea handler! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back to the show. >> thank you. thanks for having me back. >> trevor: what do you mean? anytime. >> well, i know. i'm just being polite. >> trevor: okay. i get it. thank you. thank you for being here. >> thanks you, as they say in south america. thanks you. or they say thanks god. they go, oh, thanks god. >> trevor: we say that as well. we have a phrase, they say, thanks god, i'm a black man. they say that in south africa. that's a common phrase. >> yeah, that's not a common phrase. ( laughter ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. let's talk about your show which is coming back which i'm very excited for. you're changing the formats. you're going weekly and then it's going to be an hour long show and you're mixing it up, going all over the world, what are you most excited about? >> we travel, we went to india,
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england, wales, paris, scotland -- which nobody really understands whether that's a country or not, even the people in scotland. i'm, like, is this a country? they're, like, mmm... seems like an easily defined country. i'm a woman, you're a man -- i mean, maybe. >> trevor: neighbor country is on a spectrum like gender. >> trans, yeah, maybe. but people don't really seem to know whether it's a country or part of a kingdom. kingdom is game of thrones-y to me. nobody's a kingdom anymore. >> trevor: i pray to god you never meet the queen. >> i bet she prays to got every night she never meets me either? >> you know what's funny is we think that and you finally meet her and you guys hit it up a. >> no, i don't want to meet her. i don't want to be disappointed or disappoint. i don't want to meet people. i don't want to meet barack obama or michelle obama because i don't want them to know what's going on in my life. i don't want them to go, oh, we
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met her and she's such a great girl but what a (bleep) mess. can you say (bleep)? a (bleep) mess. i don't want them to go -- ). groaning -- i want them to want to meet me but never meet me. ( laughter ) thanks you. >> trevor: you have dinner parties with different guests, you talk about a host of different subjects. are you pining to get back on the air? because -- >> i am on the the air, asshole. i mean, i'm on the air. >> trevor:, like, weekly. talking about stuff happening now. >> oh, oh, yes, sorry. i'm sorry. that was a different language. i didn't understand that. >> trevor: yeah, asshole back to you, chelsea. wow... ( laughter ) >> it's your funny accent, i didn't get it. ( laughter ) no, of course, i am. i have been off the air for so
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many months, you know, with this trump thing, it's just so stupid you can't even believe sthiet you got into a fight with the trumps on twitter which is not a -- >> did i? >> trevor: you did. you tweeted something about the genes being passed through the family. what i found interesting is that the beef wasn't about that. it was more about one of the trump -- i think it was trump junior came after you and said you spelled genes wrong. was that ironic, a trump coming after you for a typoin a tweet? >> no, because i'm stoned a lot. i don't take offense. i spelled genes like jeans. and then they said, no, it's genes. i said, i'm high. you can't spell anything on a regular day. winston churchill said this to someone, you're ugly, i'll be sober in the morning. i feel this is an assassination on human rights and civil rights, and i want to be, like,
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the person that sticks up for, like, minorities and lgbt and muslims and mexicans. ( cheers and applause ) i just think that -- no, and i'm not -- it's not even about that but if you have a platform like you and i do, i just think it's so irresponsible if you don't stick up for people and if you want to be a person that's, like, posting a selfie the day after trump gets elected then you're a (bleep) asshole. you know what i mean, right? i hear you, i hear you. >> who knows how long i'll have a tv show. i don't really give a (bleep). i make so much money i don't even need a tv show. i think it's important to stick up for people, when people are shy about it and don't want to ostracize it or a component to have the fan base if you're from a certain section of the country and you're like oh i have a clothing line. it's, like, no, no, i don't have a clothing line and i hope i don't ever have a clothing line.
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i hope i have a tennis ball line rather than a clothing line. >> trevor: you say that like a clothing line makes it impossible for you to participate in political conversations. >> it's from a specific section of the country. >> trevor: i don't want to probe any further because i don't want to get into trouble. >> well, you're not even from this country, so -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: thanks you. >> thanks you. >> trevor: thanks you so much for being here. season 2 of "chelsea" premieres on netflix april 14. chelsea
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight thank you so much for tuning in. here it is your moment of zen. >> i know we can't show the plans on tv but can you show us the plan? >> sure. trump said he wants a big beautiful wall. we think our concept accomplishes that. >> yeah, especially that. looks like the president's going to like that a lot.

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